The decision to become pregnant again
was instantaneous for us. We both wanted more children and a sibling for our
son to grow up with. The decision was easy, the reality was not.
After my daughter was born sleeping at
39 weeks from a septic infection, I suffered a serious illness that took months
to recover from, so we weren’t able to start trying again until many months
later. As a long time sufferer of anxiety and bouts of depression, my hormones
were often already out of whack. 13 months after we lost our little Emma, and
with a little help from some amazing Doctors and Nurses, our prayers were
answered.
It had been a horrific 12 months and
we had in fact lost hope. Every day I was convincing myself more and more that
our son was to be our only child at home and more and more I was ok with that.
I never thought I would see those two
pink lines again. I was instantly elated! I squealed, I cried tears of joy, my
son (2.5 at the time) thought I had gone mad. I wrapped the test in layers and
layers of newspaper and ribbon to give to my husband Shane after work that
night. He thought that I was playing a trick on him somehow, we just couldn’t
believe it.
The first 12 weeks travelled by
quickly. I had a small bleed at 8 weeks which was instantly terrifying but I
received excellent care and it was quickly discovered to be nothing.
I felt my first flutter at 16 weeks at
3am. I was so thrilled that I couldn’t get back to sleep. From then on my
anxiety/worry and sometimes paranoia really escalated. At 18-20 weeks I was
having trouble feeling the movements. A scan told us that I had a low lying
anterior placenta and that was possibly acting as a barrier, making movements
harder to feel. At 23 weeks, after a fraught weekend I called the maternity
unit and went in for a scan. They were brilliant and everything was perfectly
fine. No one made me feel like a crazy paranoid person, they all understood
completely why I would be concerned. Since then my placenta has moved up out of
the way and now at 25 weeks I feel my baby moving and shaking like a little
champ!
I’m really glad I went to the hospital
that day but making that phone call and taking that drive brought everything
back. It was the same sequence of events that occurred 18 months before and I
was floored by my terror.
Sharing our news with friends and
family was really special. Everyone was so over the moon for us but we started
to notice a change in the air. People became less censored or sensitive in
their comments and conversations when around us. On sharing our news we were
asked questions like ‘do you hope it’s a girl so you can have one of each?’
‘Will this be it or will you try for a 3rd?’ To some (not all)
people it feels as if Emma was never even born, that she doesn’t still hold a
place in our family. We’ve learned not to take these kinds of comments to heart
and definitely learned that we are the only ones who truly get it….but it
hurts. It hurts a lot.
I imagine that the next 15 weeks (give
or take) are going to be spent as a mixture of nerves, excitement, worry,
happiness and sometimes terror but it’s what we expect. More than anything I
can’t wait to meet our 3rd beautiful baby, I look forward to hearing
his/her first cry, changing that first nappy, I even look forward to the MANY
late night/early morning feeds and being so tired I can barely function as a
person.
I still feel somewhat angry about
losing Emma, maybe even slightly resentful but today I’m looking into the
future and I have HOPE xx
Jess
If you require support after reading this blog please contact
Sands on 13 000 72637
Jessica Lawless
Jessica lives in Victoria. She is the wife to Shane and a Mum to 2 beautiful kids - Adam, nearly 2 and Emma, born sleeping August 2014.
I like to practice yoga, cook, read and spend all my time being a SAHM with Adam. My family and friends are my whole world, there is barley a distinction between the two.
I hope by being so open and honest about my experiences I can help raise awareness and provide support for others.
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