Thursday 21 April 2016

Reflecting over the past 10 years by Kristina





When I look back over the last 10 years I still can't believe I'm still here let alone breathing. I have had so many people say to me you are so brave,  I couldn't do it.


My answer is always the same. I'm not brave, I have no choice. My heart still beats, my lungs still breathe, the world keeps going.

Do I wish it the world would stop, that my heart would stop?
Many many times have I wanted the world to stop, to let me off, to let the pain and grief stop.   Is that brave?

It's not brave to wake up every day with two pieces of your heart missing. It’s one of the hardest things to do.  To see days, weeks and months then years go by without your babies is indescribable. I have tried many times to write it down, to find the words, but there aren't words for a feeling that fills your whole body with pain and  emotion and not just once but daily.  When I'm told I'm brave I know people really truly mean that.  That they believe it. At times I guess I am or have had to be. But I don't like the word brave.

When we said hello and goodbye not once but twice I thought that was it. I would never take a baby home. Never watch them grow. Curt and I looked into adoption as the thought of being pregnant again filled me with fear and anxiety.  I couldn't bear the thought of losing another baby.  We also decided to get married. I put all my energy into wedding plans. Looking back now I was just putting my head in the sand.  If I didn't have to remember then my grief just for a while would stop.

It didn’t stop at all it just came in other forms. I was so angry. I would snap for no reason. I would get annoyed at the smallest things. I didn't know this me. This me was new. The old me would find the good in anything no matter how small.

I can't remember the last time I slept through the night without remembering something about their births.  I think everyone I love will die or if anyone is sick I stress.  I ended up with this constant pain in my left shoulder. Doctors could not find a cause for constant pain and tingling.  I saw a counsellor just after we got married as I was struggling with working at the same hospital where both mum and Charlie passed.  One session I happened to mention this pain. After a few questions she told me that pain is grief.

When we try to suppress our pain, the body stores it and it can manifest into pain. She asked did it hurt more some days than others?  I sat and thought it hurts mostly at night and when I’m at work. She told me to stop the pain or to ease it I must let it out, to talk.   To be honest I thought she was crazy. How can my body store grief!  Yet it did. When I told her my biggest fear was to never bring a baby home my shoulder started to really hurt. The more I talked and opened up about my guilt at wanting another baby but fearing it would never be, I could feel the pain lessen.  Over our sessions the pain begun to subside. She said I may need physio as it could help release the tension that had built over the last year.

When my shoulder flares up now I have to stop and ask myself, am I holding my grief in or is it something simple like overworking it. Most of the time it is simply too many years of nursing and holding babies.
Around Neve and Charlie birthdays the pain really builds. Sometimes i have to take me time, to sit down in a quiet place and let myself feel the pain and let it out.
Most of the time it's tears that flow and the grief of not having them. Sometimes its guilt at not being able to help them or for having two beautiful rainbow babies.

With the help of my counsellor and some very good friends, I decided that Curt and I would try again.  We fell pregnant on our wedding night. We found out we were expecting Maya when we were in America.  Deep down I already knew. I knew the signs a lot earlier now.  We were happy but so anxious and scared. Could we survive not only as a couple but as individuals if we said goodbye again?  I knew I wouldn't.

Her pregnancy was normal in the fact that I had reflux and morning sickness. We had no complications.  In no way was it normal in the sense of joyous and glowing and full of excitement.  I was petrified every time I went to the toilet. What if there was blood?  Every pain was that labour or her pulling her cord and stopping her oxygen?

Half way through her pregnancy I was put off work by my obstetrician as I was so anxious my bp was high. I was lucky he was a lovely man who stopped at nothing to give us Maya.  Neve and Charlie’s birthdays came and I was a blubbering mess. I missed them so much. I felt guilty for wanting another baby.  We sat down with our obstetrician and decided it would be better to have her by C-section. I would have loved to give birth naturally again but i was so scared. This way I had a date and a time.

The day came to meet her. All I kept thinking was not until I hear her scream will it be real. Not until I see her kicking and crying. Only then will I truly believe.
I remember Dancing Queen playing in the theatre. I remember Curt holding my hand so tight.  I remember talking to Neve and Charlie asking them to let it be ok. That I loved them.

The doctor began. I was staring at the celling telling myself you have to breathe, she needs you to.  She was here at 11.47am on the 18th February.   What was my first question?  Is she breathing, is she alive?  The whole theatre shouted she is, she is. This tiny little crying baby was popped over the drape. There aren't words to describe the feeling of utter love I felt and quickly followed by tears over what should have been.  You see,  when you lose a baby and then get to take one home, it’s filled with bitter sweet moments.  The beauty of taking Maya home and watching her grow is tainted with the what ifs.

We also went on to have our beautiful Zack 2 years after Maya.  This journey of grief is never ending. It always surprises me. I can go long periods now without crying but when it hits it hits hard and fast. I wish I had magic words of wisdom that can help others to say it stops but I can't.  All I can do is share my honesty and my journey and hope I can help someone who is feeling the way I was.



Grief is a journey that we will walk forever.
Kristina


If you require support after reading this blog please contact
Sands on 13 000 72637

Kristina Riley


Kristina is a children's nurse and a counsellor.
She has four beautiful children.
Charlie and Neve are her two angels who are the  inspiration for raising more awareness about stillbirths and pregnancy loss.
Her two miracles Maya and Zack are the reason she keeps moving forward on this journey of grief.
Her husband Curt is also her inspiration to raise awareness for fathers and their grief.


There needs to be more awareness for us all.

Thursday 14 April 2016

A Story of a Medical Termination by Zena



To the newly bereaved parent,

Please know that you're not alone. I want to share my story of medical termination.



This was extremely hard to write and share, in a world full of supportive people we have certainly felt alone because it's such a taboo and people are scared to talk about anything to do with the loss of a child. Unfortunately,  we live in a world where, we as humans, are judged for what shoes we wear, what house we live in and whether we like boys or girls so when we had to make a heartbreaking choice,  it became apparent that we would be fearful of what people would think.

The reality is that you are not in our shoes and you never will be. Even if you have to take the same path as us your story will still be different. Although we wish this would never happen to anyone the reality is once you get outside the bubble you live in it's everywhere, people are silently grieving, too afraid to let people know what's going on because they are scared of judgement. I've met some of the strongest mothers and heard their stories, some full term, miscarriages and medical terminations, the way people treat their child as if they don't exist weeks after they went through the toughest struggles is appalling. It took me almost 12 months to grieve my best friend passing away, she was my puppy of 15 years. ’’Getting over” a child passing away will not happen in weeks, months or years because you don't "get over them",  they are a part of you forever. I feel If we share her story and someone you know or perhaps years down the track your children or children children’s have to face something like this you might be able to say that you knew people who went through this and you know that they survived and made it through.


This story is about our daughter Chloe who is no longer in my tummy we should be around 8 months pregnant today but sadly I am not. In a few weeks I would be on maternity leave and instead we are trying to find our "new normal". This story is about 10 weeks of survival, learning how strong your marriage is, courage, loyalty, friendships, love and a $h!t unfair situation. It's not being posted for you to feel sorry for us we have done enough of that for ourselves but more for awareness. #breakthesilence. It's to help us in our grieving process because bumping into people in the street that don't know our story is terrifying.

On the 30th of April 2016 we should have been welcoming a precious bundle of joy into our lives listening to her cry, changing her nappy, watching her smile and grow and instead we will release balloons and blow out candles cake on behalf of her. We we're faced with decision that we would never wish upon anyone, we planned a funeral when others listened to their babies beautiful cry and we set a baby room up for our little girl and this room remains empty. She was sent to be with the angels at only 21 weeks gestation.


Her name is Chloe Fay Mason. She is the daughter of Troy and Zena Mason and although you can't physically see her in our arms she existed. She was 26cm the same length as a big cordial bottle. She had my nose and the rest of her was her daddy. She had long feet and hands, little specs of blonde hair and she was ours. Made with love! And certainly missed already.

On the 10th of December we went for our 20 week scan (5 months) right on Troy's birthday.What a cool present this would be to find out if our baby was to be a girl or a boy right?? We're in the "safe" zone what could possibly go wrong. The ultrasound person couldn't tell us the sex though he did mention that the baby yawned and waved at us, he failed to mention why he was paying particular attention to her spine and brain, he was actually silent the whole way through. Little did we know that this was the start of something much bigger.


We were surprised when we were called into Mater hospital on the 14th December and this is we're we would be told that we we're having a baby girl and than hit with information that our little Chloe was not well. She had Spina Bifida, Hydrocephalus, Chiari Malformation, Arnold Chairi 2.

What this basically meant to us without a doctors degree is she had a lot of spinal fluid on her brain (lemon shaped head), they could see issues with her spine and an open pocket on her back exposing her spinal cord, this pocket normally closes off during the first few weeks of being conceived. We were told if she were to survive (they weren't sure) and even make it to full term she would be straight into the operation theatre at not even a day old to have a permanent stint put into her brain to drain the fluid build up that she would forever have, she would then go into an operation to close the opening on her spine to stop her exposed spinal cords from showing and getting infected. This wouldn't fix the problem though the damage already happened when she was 2-4 weeks gestation. Although some might live with this, their story is not ours and we're all not the same.


We walked into that room wanting to find out the sex of the baby and walked out with a heavy heart and what felt like a house sitting on our shoulders. The doctor told us the outlook on her life would be grim.  She would be brain dead, she wouldn't be able to walk, we would be changing nappies for the rest of her life and she would be in a wheelchair.  The doctor gave us two chooses 1. medical termination or 2. we continue on and "if" she makes it full term we would have support. I used to think the hardest decision I would have with a child was what school they would go to or whether or not to breastfeed. But choosing whether your child should die or stay alive is by far the hardest!

We waited for the doctor to write up all this information in a room full of happily expecting pregnant ladies but we were distraught, our brains were going one million miles an hour and we still had to drive home. When we got home we were silent we had no idea what to do.  Googling what we had heard had never seemed so important and some how Troy and I had to come together in the end to be on the same page. I searched spina bifida pages and I found all the fabulous stories of the children who have parts of Chloe's diagnosis but what I had to realise is everyone's stories are different and no one shares the "terrible" stories. What heartache the parents went through or what the child had to go through. We just hoped the doctors weren't incorrect.

After many consultations with doctors and lots of tears we chose to take the pain now so our Chloe didn't have to. We didn't want to bring a child into the world just to have her exist without living. Would she even know that we existed? What life would she have? The guilt we live with everyday would never be as painful as it would be to watch as she grew without "growing". I've been in retirement homes and I've seen young people in here who can't fend for themselves is this what she would be like? A board of doctors had to approve our decision and when they did I was admitted to the hospital it was so close to Christmas. After waiting and contractions after contractions I went had Chloe via L&D the morning of the 19th December (right in between Troy’s and my  birthday) with limited pain relief - I felt I needed to take some pain for our little girl. And I will tell you now the labour stories people gave me when I was pregnant will never scare me because nothing can quite prepare you for birth of your baby let alone to a little angel. 

When little Chloe was put into our arms we couldn't celebrate because this is what ended her life,  she didn't cry, she didn't move, she was cold and we were numb. We spent a full day with her, dressed her, gave her kisses because she was our beautiful girl and this would be the last time we would ever see her and those moments will have to last a lifetime.

She had the obvious signs of her diagnosis, a lemon shaped malformed skull and the spina bifida sacral lesion on her back. Everything else we were told of would have to wait till the autopsy was done. We can't get any of those moments back but we were lucky enough to get precious photos of her from heartfelt photography so we can never forget her face. She had family and friends visit her as well as flowers and cards from beautiful people across the state. Chloe got cuddles from her aunties and uncles and grandma.


Every day after we woke up and we wished it was all a big nightmare I would look down at my tummy and see a belly that was empty. I only recognised her movements after she was no longer in me. If going through labour wasn't enough, your hormones are so messed up and to make matters worse the breast lk decides it might pay a visit.

Life sucked completely for the first month after she was born. Even though you have just had a baby people fail to realise that you should be taking it easy because there is no physical sign of a child. Conversations are awkward because no one knows what to say and everyone looks at you with sad eyes. The simplest of tasks are a big effort and some days I felt like I was a two year old chucking a tantrum. I couldn't have got through with my amazing husband. 
Chloe was in getting her autopsy done and this would take 3 weeks. On my birthday we were asked if they could keep her brain and spine as they were running behind. We told them to take their time in hope it might shed some more light. We never imagined our pregnancy to end this way, after all no one shares the terrible stories.

Each week was something new first we had to find items to have with her for the cremation, visiting her in her itty bitty coffin with all the special effects that grandmas and aunts had provided (photos of her cousins, letters and drawings) her birth certificate arriving, her ashes, her death certificate, cards in the mail, donations and preparation for her ceremony. When would getting all these triggers end.

It was then time we had to go back to the same hospital we got our Chloe's diagnosis from. We talked to the doctor about everything that had happened. We were advised the likelihood of this happening again would be very unlikely. I asked questions like; the fact that I had a doctor’s appointment prior to trying and they didn't say anything about my bloods, I took my prenatal vitamins prior to convincing isn't this meant to prevent it? We ate well, I lost 20kg, didn't drink, my husband quit smoking - why did this happen… Apparently 70% of NTD can be prevented by your pregnancy supplements the other 30% , they call it "just one of those things". I've had my folate and folic acid tested and I had a higher range in my system which is subject to nine months of tablets and now I've had to add in ten times the amount through a jar of $5 pills which we think mothers should just take regardless!

We had a ceremony for Chloe on Australia Day at the place where we got married. We had a balloon to release, but Chloe decided it would be better to go earlier and it was released in the car. Chloe had around 30 people come (more would have) and we had a lovely celebrant say some beautiful things. We had some tables set up with some of her special effects, her birth certificate, her pictures, teddies, funeral books and memory jars made just for her. We then spread a small amount of ashes in the ocean and blew bubbles. It was perfect and heart-warming that we had so much support from our amazing friends and family.

The situation we have been in has been very $h!T, my husband and I are stronger than ever, we have learnt a lot about true friends and family, the support we have received off of the "Facebook world" has been nothing short of amazing, even when I'm having tantrums. The messages, the calls, the cards, the flowers, the thoughts and the kind words. The support from our work, the assistance from the hospital and the doctors it makes us feel so lucky and appreciative in a time when "luck" isn't in our side.

We personally wouldn't be where we are today without some key people in my life, new and old virtual and real. I've met some people from all around the world on support groups for people in this terrible club. In a time when you feel so alone you start to realise that you are not. To help my healing I donated my wedding dress to angel gowns to make little angel dresses, I edited photos of other angels and put them into special wall features for their parents. I've seen so much pain on these groups and if I could have any super power it would be to give everyone's babies back and let them have them forever! When I hear people in the normal world complaining about something to do with their child it does make me sad. This is because little things like being up late at night to crying, or teething, or fevers is a luxury in my new world these things are things that mothers in this "group" would die to have. Hug your children and loved ones tightly and please enjoy these precious moments. All kinds of tragedies strike when we least expect it and life shouldn't be taken for granted.

My husband went back to work in the new year and I was back at work on the 15th Feb which was 9 weeks after her birth. Australia is amazing for recognising her birth and allowing me access maternity leave, however had she been 19 weeks instead of 20 we wouldn't have been so lucky. Which makes me sad. I've had the privilege of seeing many beautiful angels at all gestations and I can tell you a baby is a baby as soon as it's conceived! The emotional turmoil that is left whether for miscarriage, stillbirth, being in NICU or medical termination is huge but to not be told that they exist prior to 20 weeks is just messed up.

What hurts more is when people use words that make these big events in our lives less significant think about what you say to people before you say it! I used to be a big "positive" person! You would hear me say everything happens for a reason but how can I say that now? Someone in the universe chose to give Chloe a terrible diagnosis, made us go through labour, death, and organising a funeral so I can learn?? I’d rather not have the lesson thanks... What child would you give up to learn a lesson in life?

If your still reading thank you! Chloe's story will only close, when we allow it to and we won't. She will always be our first baby girl.. our child! Just because she isn't here doesn't mean she doesn't exist. She will be remembered until the day we die. We waited ten years to make a perfect life for her.. little did we know that nothing on the outside could have helped what was going on inside. We have no regrets with our decision the only regret we have is not spending time with her in my tummy and worrying about others too much. This year we are being selfish in some instances and not feeling guilty for it. "Fit our oxygen first, before helping others".
We ended a very much wanted pregnancy.

We have changed, parts of us are broken but we're survivors and we've survived so far.

The end.                                                                                 Zena Mason



If you require support after reading this blog please contact
Sands on 13 000 72637


Zena is a full time administration officer, wife and mother to 4 furry animals as well as one beautiful angel called Chloe. This journey has been hard but she says that she has met some strong women and made friendships with people from across the world.

She's on a mission to not let Chloe's memory disappear she was a very wanted child for Zena and her husband. Zena is very open about Chloe's story because it’s such a taboo and it's important to raise awareness for all mothers who have lost a child but specifically through medical termination. She says "if we can raise awareness we will then create more supportive friends and family and hopefully one day we won't need to suffer in silence and feel so alone".